


Between Thranduil’s sheets. Turn up the Love!

by Teriana



Series: Middle Earth funny tales and Other Utter Poppycock [9]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: M/M, Oakenshield is a perfect surname for mangling, Thranduil kingpin, do love not drugs, hot Durin's police, one revenge for two, sex with detainee in a police precinct
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:02:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26047726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teriana/pseuds/Teriana
Summary: Welcome to different alternate Middle Earth, where everyone is an absolute true copy of Tolkien’s characters, but has his own special features. Here, the hobbits are petty thieves, the elves are wild fun addicts, the orcs are tough gangsters and, finally, the dwarves are police officers, the force that controls order and law in all this everyday mess.
Relationships: Thorin Oakenshield/Thranduil
Series: Middle Earth funny tales and Other Utter Poppycock [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/711894
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	Between Thranduil’s sheets. Turn up the Love!

**Author's Note:**

> All roads lead in the same direction, no matter what…to Thranduil’s bed.

Durin’s police arrested a drunken elf who loitered near the walls of the Lonely Mountain on Thursday night.   
He was handcuffed and convoyed to the captain of the seventh police department of Erebor, Thorin Oakenshield.  
The captain of the Erebor department was famous for his short talks with prisoners after which he immediately threw them all into the dwarvish dungeons. His chief, Colonel Balin Whitebeard was to determine the final lot of all prisoners after he dug through the unsolved crimes of the suspects.   
This time, as usual, Thorin was interrogating a swaggering, grimacing, drunken fair-haired elf, who was constantly falling on the green marble table (because he could no longer stand), where the dwarf was filling a report.  
“Name?” Feeling a strong alcoholic odor, Thorin wrinkled his nose fastidiously and pulled the paper out from under the elf’s elbow. This elven guy was quite brazen, and laid his silver-shirted torso on the officer’s table.  
“Thrttt..” he began stuttering, and his wild eyes stared at Thorin.  
“Whoa!” Thorin rose angrily from the table and rewarded the drunken guy a grim look. “How much meth are you on?”  
The dwarf took a slant at the door of his room and called out his assistant, Lieutenant Dwalin.  
“I’ll have you thrown into a damp dungeon, and we’ll see how you talk after that!” he warned the elf on his table.  
That immediately straightened up and rattled off.  
“I swear, officer, I’m not on!”  
Thorin left his place, rounded the swaying elven guy and eyed him with suspicion.  
The elven fellow suddenly grabbed Thorin’s arm.  
“I know a comfy place where you could hang out and get some booze, buddy…” the guy started winking at Thorin like crazy.  
Thorin snatched his arm away and gave him a pathetic look.  
“I’m sure you’ll enjoy hanging out in our dungeon, buddy. No booze, however. I think you had too much of it.”   
The elven guy hiccupped and gave Thorin a confronted look.  
Lieutenant Dwalin Baldhead, a big bald fellow, came in and grabbed the drunken elf by the scruff, dragging him away. The elven guy resisted sluggishly but had to submit to defeat.  
Thorin sank down wearily on the couch against the wall and drew on his pipe.  
He watched the rings float in the air trying to sort out his racing thoughts.  
Apparently, this day will end as crappy as it began. In the morning, he was reported about some hooligans who fired arrows at the police station.  
They were teenagers from Dale who were teasing the dwarves. At lunchtime, the hobbits caught red-handed in Dale’s market were brought to his office. These thieving hobbits were all the time trying to steal something from Thorin’s table. One of them even managed to pocket his award for valiant service to the police for ten years. Thorin had to pull his Arkenstone out of the hobbit’s bosom.  
“Name???” the dwarf growled wildly, leaning over the trembling Halfling.  
“Bbbbilbo.” The short fellow forced himself to say and became even shorter when he heard the captain’s loud lion’s roar.  
“Throw this petty Shire-ratling and his gang into the dungeon!”  
And the poor hobbit and his fellows were rapidly led out of Thorin’s office by his order.  
The dwarf took another puff and coughed as Colonel Balin Whitebeard broke into his room and attacked him with a wicked tirade.  
“You smoke here while the hobbits steal the keys from the dungeon and flee! What were you thinking of when you ordered to imprison them, Thorin?”  
The dwarf rose from the couch and looked guiltily at the wrought-up Colonel.  
“They stole my Arkenstone, I got mad and…” he tried to explain but Balin Whitebeard nervously twirled his long beard around his arm, and his steel look put Thorin back on the couch.  
“You ordered to imprison this strange elven guy, but you didn’t even bother to ask his name.”  
Thorin made a futile attempt to object but was frowned down right away.  
Colonel Whitebeard continued.  
“I’m inclined to think that this is no ordinary elf.”  
“Yeah, one of those stoned freaks who hang about all day long and do drugs.” Thorin broke into a complacent grin remembering that cheeky elven fellow.  
Balin appreciated his remark with a crack of smile and said.  
“You know what I don’t like about you, captain Oakenshield?”   
“Short talks?” Thorin guessed, looking at his frowned chief.   
Balin’s vexed eyes expressed somewhat of discontent, and he replied.  
“No, you don’t want to look beyond your nose again.”  
Thorin frowned, perplexed by Whitebeard’s words.  
“Lieutenant Baldhead reported that the detainee spoke to you about some place, well, where he wanted to invite you.”  
Thorin frowned even more but then tried to defend himself.  
“Mahal knows what these junkies babble about!”  
Balin Whitebeard took out a velvet cloth with entwined flowers and unwrapped it showing the contents to his subject.   
“Now, what do you see here?” he asked, watching Thorin study the green leaves on the cloth.  
“Hmm…looks like some kind of drug, right?” he looked up at his chief.  
“You’re very astute, Thorin!” Balin noted with irony. “I ordered to search our new elven detainee and this was found up in his sleeve.”  
Thorin grinned with victorious delight.  
“I said he was on, but he kept convincing me he wasn’t.”  
Balin gave him a sidelong glance.  
“Why didn’t you accept his offer, Thorin?”   
Thorin shrugged his shoulders and said without hesitation.  
“Because, I’m sane, and not one of them.”  
Balin covered his face with his hand demonstrating his disappointment.  
“Thorin, Thorin! You just fouled up your only chance to get into a crack house and nail a kingpin.”  
The dwarf stared closely at his chief, trying to get him right and cocked up his ears.  
“You mean that…” he began, and heard Balin say for him.  
“Yes, Thorin, you will go with him there to find out!”  
Twenty minutes after Thorin had had an uneasy conversation with the Colonel of the Erebor’s Department, he ordered the arrested elf to be brought to his office.   
The elven guy looked a bit disheveled, and Sergeant Earedhat reported that he tried to escape.  
Thorin looked at the elf, gave him a friendly smile, and asked.  
“You were talking about some booze, buddy? I don’t mind to hit the bottle after my work.”  
The tousled detainee immediately grinned from ear to ear.  
“Yes, sure...khm…captain Oakenhead.” He said in a singsong voice.  
“Oakenshield.” The dwarf corrected him in an annoyed tone.  
“Yes.” the guy said, but didn’t deign calling him by the right name. “I’m ready to lead you to the Woodland Realm.”  
The dwarf had a good laugh.  
‘What a pretty name for the crack house!’ he thought and voiced. “I wonder where this wonderful place is located. I don’t mind getting to know its king a little better.”  
The elven guy rewarded him with a mysterious smile and replied. “Come on, I can show you, officer dwarf!” he waved his hand chaotically, inviting them to follow him.  
“Where’s this Woodland Realm of this drunken elven creature?” Thorin wondered.  
“These elvish boondocks are two hours from Erebor, captain Oakenshield!” Sergeant answered.   
“Good, Sergeant Bofur Earedhat! Grab this drunken elven guy and let’s go there. But don’t forget to take our boys.” Thorin ordered and looked at his detainee who stared at him, holding out his manacled hands.  
“Do you mind?” He said, adding. “I can’t ride when my hands are busy.”  
Thorin was sure that if he did, the elven guy would escape, and he responded.  
“I’ll release you as soon as we get there. I will drive.”  
The elven guy’s lips drooped, but then he nodded grimly.   
“As you say, Oaken...”  
“Shield.” Thorin uttered through his teeth in exasperation.  
***  
Ere long Captain Oakenshield regretted that he had agreed to take this elven guy on his horse. He smelled of booze like a barrel of wine. At first the dwarf crinkled his nose in distaste, then sniffed, and a minute later began sneezing.  
“Bless you! Bless you! Bless you!” The elven guy repeated it every time the dwarf sneezed.  
Thorin nuzzled his shoulder, fighting another attack.  
“Bless you!” He heard a merry elven voice.  
“Shut up! Drat you, elven junkie!” He roared hoarsely.  
The elven guy chuckled under his breath and replied.  
“I got you, captain Oakenhead.”  
Thorin nudged him in the loin.  
“Oakenshield!” He threatened him. “Say it again and you’ll regret it!”  
Silence answered the dwarf, and he understood that the elven jokester had abated.  
In the middle of the night, they entered into the dark elven forest. The gloomiest and thickest one could ever imagine.  
“Where we should go now, uncle?” Kili Cuteface, Thorin’s nephew asked his uncle who rode ahead.  
The horses with riders froze and a dead silence ensued.  
Thorin didn’t like this situation, he felt this nasty premonition inside him that repeated him to turn back, but the Colonel’s errand hung over him like a sword.  
“I’ll check how it all goes and return quickly.” He decided and then heard the elf’s purring voice near his ear. “Give me the reins, I will drive. I know the way.”  
“No, you’re drunk.” Thorin refused him right away. “Tell me the way.”  
As a reply he heard a loud gnashing of teeth and a growl.  
“Well,” The elven guy uttered finally. “Turn left and ride straight until you see the fork in the road. Then turn left again till you get to the bridge. In general it’ll take you half an hour.”  
Thorin mumbled something and turned to his subjects.  
“Listen, guys! The place we need to get to is not that far away. Follow me and we shall be there very soon.”  
Sergeant Earedhat shivered from the autumn coolness.  
“I wish I were already there.”  
Thorin and his company of four dwarves led their horses into the darkness.  
It turned out, that the elven guy didn’t cheat them and about half an hour later the dwarves reached the bridge.  
Thorin leaped off his horse and removed his detainee from the saddle; it was so good to feel the solid surface beneath his feet.  
The elven guy was also glad that they had reached their destination.  
“What’s next?” Thorin asked him. “Where’s the feast tonight?”  
The company with the elven guy came to the stone gate and he touched it.  
It opened and everyone heard a buzzing noise.  
“What’s this, uncle?” Kili’s voice sounded excited. “It sounds like music!”  
All the dwarves entered the mountain carefully after the elven guy and when the gate closed they thought they would become deaf.  
Extremely loud music thumped and thundered in their ears and they were surrounded with lots of elven guys and maidens who were chatting, laughing, drinking, dancing and of course having a good time.  
“Wow! What a fucking hole!” the dwarf in hat blurted out, gawking around with genuine interest.  
“It is, Sergeant Earedhat.” Thorin agreed grimly, studying the tipsy couple glued to each other.  
His next gaze, like the others’ fell on the elven female who was singing on a towering wooden throne.  
“Turn up the love! We’re turnin’ up the loooove!” the red-haired girl wiggled her hips to cheers from the elven crowd.  
“Oopsie daisy! The guys started without me.” Their elven prisoner stated in an aggrieved voice.  
“Drat me!” Kili gave an ecstatic cry once he saw an auburn elf maiden. “What a pretty Gingie!”  
Dwalin looked around at the whole frenzy atmosphere and let out a loud sigh of astonishment.  
“Oh, my mother dwarf!” his brittle voice sounded and he hit himself on the head. “What a center of attraction! What a nest of vice!”  
“A center of distraction!” Thorin agreed, glancing about suspiciously as an alarm rang in his mind, and then noticed Kili Cuteface drooling at this red-haired elven singer.   
“A center of satisfaction!” Thorin’s nephew gasped delightedly, his eyes were chained to girl’s juicy curves, and his lips as if enchanted repeated every word of the song after this wonderful girlie.  
“We are one tonight  
And we're breathing in the same air  
So turn up the love  
Turn up the love  
We're turnin' up the love  
So one, two, hit the booze  
Like pop pop pop pop  
So clap your hands, clap, clap your hands  
I got nothing but love to give  
Damn girl, I ain't tryin' to be rude  
Spread love like a guest list, you plus two  
That's what you call a move  
Like pop, pop, pop, pop  
Alright.  
Turn me on like this your song  
Dirty bass got love to give  
Turn it up now  
Mad monopoly all night long  
Dirty bass got love to give  
Yo, let me see that grin from ear to ear  
So much lovin' in the atmosphere  
The good times roll with me right here  
I got nothing but love to give.”  
“Would you like some wine?” a courteous girl with a tray drew level with them and offered beverages.  
The dwarves took glasses with cherry wine and took a few sips.  
“You promised to free me.” The elven guy suddenly reminded Thorin.  
Thorin finished his wine, wiped his moustache and replied bluntly.  
“Take me to you king first, I want to speak with him.”  
The corners of the elven guy’s eyes crinkled slyly.  
“Melkor, yes! I say, what impatience, captain! You will see him anon!”  
Another girl came up to them and brought snacks of cheese and fruit with a new portion of wine. The dwarves had just finished their treats when the real fun started.  
All the elves formed a very long line with the arms around one another, and moved through the passages, shouting after the red-haired leader.  
“Monday-party! Tuesday-party, Wednesday-party! Thursday-party….We can party! We can party! Party! Party! Party! Wow! Let’s rock this mountain, guys!”  
It looked so exciting and contagious that even the dwarves couldn’t stay away and joined in this rollicking merriment.  
Thorin roughly pushed the elven guy away when that tried to put his cuffed hands on his waist. The silver-haired elf giggled foolishly, murmured something and made the dwarf put his hands on his waist.  
Soon, in all this incessant fun, only the lazy one didn’t shout out the words of the song. An endless column of the tipsy elven girls and boys danced with boozed Erebor’s policemen wiggling their hips and shouting the word ‘party’.  
This madness spiced with alcohol and drugs lasted till the dawn.  
In the end, Dwalin snored in a cavern, hugging Bofur. Fili found a pretty maiden and snuck out with her. As to Kili, he continued to hang out with the red-haired elven star, which turned out to have a very insolent boy-friend who was constantly got in between them.  
Thorin also felt dizzy, the wine he drank was too heady.  
Finally, he reached the throne where the elven female danced and fell asleep on it.  
The elven guy found him there.  
“What a nice surprise, our merry dance put you to sleep, captain Oakendunce!” he chuckled ironically at the snoring dwarf and glared at the elves nearby. “Stop gazing around and take him to my room! Be careful not to drop him along the way!”  
Two elves carefully lifted the sleeping policeman and carried him away.  
In the meantime, the weasel-like gaze of azure eyes from under the fluffy lashes wandered around, enjoying the stunning results of the big plan, and then the thin rose lips curved in a triumphant smile.   
As the elven guy walked to his room, he felt a surge of excitement inside him. He felt like a winner and anticipating the hot continuation of the party was going to take his prize.  
“I can imagine your stunned face tomorrow!” he said to himself as he opened the door and paused in the doorway. His yearning eyes fell on the body of the dwarf in Durin’s dark blue police uniform lying on his bed draped with white lace.  
He approached the dwarf and found a key on his belt. The lock clicked, and the handcuffs opened and fell to the floor.  
The elven guy picked them up but then put them aside, feasting his eager eyes on Thorin.  
“I will use them the next time he asks me.” He said to himself mysteriously and grinned with satisfaction.  
His long pale fingers carefully touched Thorin’s bearded cheek and trailed to his neck, then stopped, his eyes scanning every trait of Thorin secretly enjoying them. Heat curled down his spine, he ached with strange need.  
Quickly the elven hand twitched to the collar of the dwarf’s white shirt and began to unbutton it. When the elf finished, he rose from the bed and blew out the candle.  
The next development was difficult to understand because a long rustle of sheets and some other rather hot sounds followed it, and then for a few hours all was still.


End file.
